Something you might describe as love
by TheWhiteCrayon
Summary: There's only one person in the whole world who can read him like a freaking book. (who can remorselessly peel his skin off, freeing the words trapped inside his veins) / Or, the life and times of Cal Lightman. -oneshot


**In this story, the roman numbers have nothing to do with time. Instead, each number reprisents a person who plays or has played an important role in the life of Cal Lightman.**

 **Hope you enjoy!**

 **disclaimer: I don't own lie to me.**

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 ** _Something you might describe as love_**

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 _There's only one person in the whole world who can read him like a freaking book. (who can remorselessly peel his skin off, freeing the words trapped inside his veins) / Or, the life and times of Cal Lightman. -oneshot_

/

i.

He remembers her chocolatecake exactly the way it was. (Dark and burned on the edges and just a little _too_ sweet for anyone to like and ~ _perfect_.) He remembers the very last bite he ever takes, on his sixteenth birthday.

He whispers _I don't even like chocolate_ just loud enough for his mother to hear.

(he never eats chocolatecake again, because _no one_ could _ever_ make it just like his mommy did)

i.

Its not long after his birthday that she leaves and moves into the hideously white room that she doesn't come out of for over a month. (when she does it's the weekend of his dad's birthday and she promises to make chocolatecake again)

(He finds her in the bathtube that morning, the water bright red and her skin white as a ghost. _Mommy? Mommy, are you asleep? Wake up, mommy, please wake up!)_

At sixteen years old, Cal Lightman learns not to _trust_ anyone, not to _need_ anyone and, most of all, not to _love_ anyone. (its simple, really. If you've got nothing to lose, you can't get hurt, either.)

ii.

He meets Zoey Landou when he's 28 years old. She's bitter and tough on the outside and sweet on the inside and she _almost_ reminds him of chocolatecake (and tastes like it, too).

He falls hopelessly in love with her. (but he _doesn't_ let himself _l_ o _v_ e her, mind you, because that's a pact he made with himself a longlong time ago)

iii.

When Emily is born, and he's supposed to _hold_ that bold and toothless and crying and drooling little thing, he's scared out of his mind. (and for the first time in over a decade, he feels something you might describe as _love_ -and that scares him even more)

She's got his eyes, the little thing. (She's got _her_ eyes, too, but that he won't admit.) He decides then and there that no matter how much it scares him, _his daughter_ will never want for anything. (and he will _never_ leave her like his mother did)

(So he loves Emily, because she's his _child_ -and he owes it to that little boy who just wanted his parents to love him _e_ n _o_ u _g_ h to love his daughter the way he _wanted_ to be loved)

(he doesn't love anyone else though. _And that's a_ promise)

iv.

 _Gillian Foster_ is different from every other woman he's ever met. She doesn't seem to _mind_ his harshness, his rudeness, his bitterness, or even his _rejection._ She just keeps coming back & is whatever he needs her to be.

(he wouldn't say he _needs_ her but ~ he also can't remember what life's like without her.)

ii.

A relationship without _trust &need&love _doesn't _really_ ever work anyway, he knows. And its no surprise when Zoey eventually leaves him. (What is a surprise however, is how _a_ f _f_ e _c_ t _e_ d he is by that. What is a surprise, is how empty&broken&useless he feels after she leaves.)

But it's okay because he's got Emily and the group (and _Gillian,_ m _a_ _y_ b _e_ ) and they help him get through it, and after a while he moves on and all is well again. (because, _r_ e _a_ l _l_ y, he never loved her anyway)

iv.

Sometimes he thinks he might change. He might _grow_ and he might _move on._ Sometimes he thinks he might start letting people in and ~ _TrustingNeeding_ Loving~ them. (He thinks he might love _Gillian_ )

(only he _can't_ )

i.

He could blame his mother for everything. He could pin every mistake he's ever made, everything that's ever gone wrong in his life on her. He could blame her for Zoey. He could even blame her for _Gillian._ He could _hate_ her. (but he doesn't)

(Really, he just wants her to wake up and burn the chocolatecake like she used to.)

(really he just misses her)

iv.

She is the sun and he is the moon.

(and though the sun and the moon are _soulmates,_ the universe prevents them from ever crossing paths)

(and by breaking _nature's laws_ they wouldn't just destroy each other -they would destroy their entire _w_ o _r_ l _d_ )

 _(Don't you love a good_ t _r_ a _g_ e _d_ y _?)_

iii.

Emily grows up to be more like him everyday (and more like _her,_ too). And its like she's his _mirror_ and all he sees is _her,_ and that scares him more than anything.

(because he used to trust his mother and now he only trusts Emily and himself, but what if they're _all the same_?)

He's older now, though, and he thinks he can protect this one. (He's stronger now, and he thinks he could pull her out of the water if she'd ever fall in.)

(He thinks he could save her from drowning.)

 _((He's still afraid, sometimes.))_

iv.

 _I'm okay_ she says. _You can go._

 _No, I'm alright_ he says. (and he stays.)

They stand there, looking over the reiling for God knows how long, staring at the stars in the sky and the cars on the freeway.

They stand there, his arm wrapped tightly around her shoulders, until the tears stop falling down her cheeks and her hands stop balling into fists, turning her knuckles white.

(they stand there until she's _o_ k _a_ y again, and until he's ready to let her go again.)

iv.

He's not unfamiliair with broken promises, whether they be his mother's or his own.

 _(I love you, darling, I'll be home soon)_

 _(We'll have chocolatecake for your birthday)_

 _(I'll never love anyone else ever again.)_

 _(Until death do us part.)_

And so he's not surprised when he realises he's broken yet another promise.

 _(Do you love her? / Of course I love her)_

iv.

There's only one person in the whole world who can read him like a freaking book. (who can remorselessly peel his skin off, freeing the words trapped inside his veins)

(well they do run a company of _human liedetectors_ , after all)

 _I need you_ she whispers. _And I know you need me too._ P _l_ e _a_ s _e stop pushing me away._

 _You know this only ends one way Gill_ he says. _One of us eventually leaves and the other one gets hurt. And I can't let that happen, Gill -not to us. I can't lose you._

 _Hurting is part of life, Cal_ she says. _And even so, you're not going to lose me. Not ever._

 _But everybody leaves in the end_ he whispers _._

(and then he walks away)

iii.

 _You have got to stop doing this to yourself_ an all too familiair voice calls out from behind him.

He's skindeep in burning whiskey and scorching selfpity when his daughter walks in his office, looking furious.

 _We all die, dad, big deal. Don't let it stop you from living!_

There she is, all sizzling anger and beautiful worry written in her wide and wonderful hazelnut eyes. However could it be possible for his eightteen year old babygirl to know and _understand_ so much more about this world than he ever will?

She takes his half empty glass away from him and wraps her arms around him.

 _I'm scared Em_ he whispers through his tears.

 _I know_ she says. _And_ _that's okay. We all get scared sometimes. But you do need to go to her, dad. You do need to fight your fears._

And he wonders who raised her to be this way. So beautifully worldly-wise and amazing. (He wonders if maybe he did something right, after all.)

 _I love you so much darling._

 _I love you too._

(and then, he goes to fight)

iv.

When the sun and the moon finally do collapse, nothing explodes and nothing falls apart. Instead, it seems as if the _whole world_ is cheering for them. As if all the stars in the sky and all the flowers in the field sigh in awe and relief, at the sight of this long awaited miracle of nature.

iv.

Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night and just looks at the movement of her chest going up and down, just listens to the steady sound of her breathing and carefully lays his hand on her arm, just to feel the warmth of her skin.

Then he can go back to sleep again.

iii./iv.

He loves them so much it sometimes scares him. (because when he didn't _love_ or _trust_ or _need_ he didn't have anything to lose but now he _does_ , and that's more horrifying than he ever thought possible)

Loving them is worth it though.

(a _n_ y _t_ h _i_ n _g_ )

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 **Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it! If you can spare the time, please leave a review. It means the world to me.**


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